Introducing the one, the only, Cocaine Mitch – the political power player who snorts lines of legislative finesse faster than you can say "lobbyist." With a nose for controversy, Cocaine Mitch is the ultimate dealer of political favors, slicing through red tape like a razor through Colombian snow.

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Picture this: a man so deeply entrenched in the swamp, he's practically evolved gills. Cocaine Mitch doesn't just walk the halls of power; he salsa dances through them, with each step leaving behind a trail of powdered promises and powdered nostrils. Need a bill passed? Just slip it into his mirrored briefcase and watch as it disappears faster than a baggie at a frat party.

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But don't be fooled by his slick demeanor and icy cool composure. Behind those shades lies a mind sharper than a freshly cut line, and a heart colder than the Antarctic tundra. Cocaine Mitch plays the political game with all the finesse of a seasoned pro, never hesitating to cut a deal or snort a line if it means staying on top.

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So here's to Cocaine Mitch, the kingpin of Capitol Hill, where the only thing more addictive than power is the white stuff lining his desk. Just remember, in the game of politics, it's not about who's right or wrong – it's about who's got the biggest stash. And in that department, Cocaine Mitch reigns supreme.